Helpful Hints for Bigs
"Sam didn't talk at all when I first met him. He wasn't used to being listened to so he didn't know what to say. I think me being interested in what he had to say actually made him uncomfortable. I had to learn to get comfortable with silence and not take it personally. I started asking questions differently. Instead of asking questions that could be answered with one work, I asked questions that would start a conversation. It was hard at first but soon Sam started to open up. I am really glad I put the extra effort into it." — a Big
Key Points
- Relationships have ups and downs.
- Relationships take time.
- Relationships don't happen by chance.
Being a Big is not always natural. Sometimes the relationship needs a little time and effort to get on the right track. Here we give you some tips for giving your match the best start.
Conversation Stoppers
These are some things not to do to keep a conversation going!
- Tell them you think they are wrong
- Don't look at them when they are talking.
- Talk to them while you are doing something else.
- Think about what you are going to say next while they are still talking.
- Ask any question that begins with "Why don't you...?", "Why didn't you?", "Why won't you...?, "How could you...?", etc.
- Interrupt them while they are still talking.
- Roll your eyes, make faces or otherwise show your disapproval for what they are saying.
Trust is the Foundation
The key to any relationship is that it needs to be built on trust. Trust will provide a solid foundation for developing a real friendship. Learning to trust for some Littles takes a long time. They may have been hurt before and want to make sure they don't get hurt or disappointed again. They may even try to test you to see if you will stick around.
Effective Bigs realize that things are not always what they seem. They know that building this relationship takes time. Here are a few things that effective Bigs tend to do consistently:
- They understand that their role is to be a friend. These kids have teachers and parental figures in their lives already. They often need someone just to support them.
- They listen - really listen. They don't preach or lecture. They actively try to get their Little to talk about what is important to them.
- They keep their promises. They make a commitment to their Little and show the Little that they think their time together is important.
- They understand that this relationship can often look one-sided. Sometimes it may feel like you are making all of the plans and all of the calls. That's okay. Consistently initiating contact and making plans will help develop trust and show your Little that you care about them.
- They involve their Little in deciding what to do with their time together. These Bigs take time to see what kinds of things their Littles like to do. Again, it makes the Little feel like you really care about them.
- They believe in magic! Something magical happens when people have fun. Especially kids. Having fun will help you build your relationship and will let kids in on experiences that they might not otherwise have.
- They keep in contact with their support specialist. Successful Bigs recognize that sometimes they don't have all of the answers. Your support specialist can help you understand what is happening in your relationship so that you can prevent problems from developing down the road.
Less successful Bigs tend to do the following:
- They try to change their Little or their Little's family.
- They demand that their Little take equal responsibility for initiating contact. They become frustrated that their Little doesn't call them.
- They have difficulty meeting consistently with their Little and cancel scheduled outings frequently.
- They focus on grades, behavior or attitude rather than on having fun or developing a friendship.
Learning From Each Other
- Your Little may have a completely different value system from yours. Many times Littles come from different living situations, family backgrounds, religions or cultures than those of their Big. It is important to remember your role as a friend and only expect to add to your Littles values, not change the ones they have.
- Some Littles have experienced trauma or loss in their lives. Young people (and adults too!) don't always have the words to express how they feel or don't even understand why they feel the way they do. Understand that your Little may not see the world the same or be as carefree as children you may know. Sometimes they may do or say the opposite of what they really mean because they are confused or scared of getting hurt again. Talk with your support specialist about your relationship so we can help you understand your Little's perspective.
- Children tend to take on the value system of the people who have made the most impact in their lives. By being a positive role model and setting a good example, you are adding to the choices they have for themselves.
- Take turns learning about each other's family or cultural traditions.
- Keep an open mind. You may not agree with the choices your Little or their family are making, but your role is to be a friend, not a judge.
Activity Ideas
For Littles Ages 6-11
- Play board or card games. (UNO, Checkers, Bingo, Go Fish, Memory, Yatzee)
- Write and illustrate stories.
- Attend one of your Littles school events or organized sports
- Play catch in the backyard or at the park
- Bake cookies
- Go to the local library and get a library card if either of you do not already have one.
- Make greeting, get well, birthday, or holiday cards to give to other people.
- If your Little has trouble sitting still, let him/her work off some energy by running around outside for the first ½ hour of the outing, then play a computer or board game inside.
- Color.
- Share with your Little one of your family photo albums.
- Get a children's cook book and let them help you make a meal for the 2 of you.
- Plant flowers in a pot or in the garden.
- Home Depot has classes once a month to teach kids how to build things. Check with your area Home Depot for details.
- Talk about what you want to be when you grow up.
- Wash your car.
- Go on a picnic
- Listen, listen, listen.
For Littles Ages 11-17
- Buy a journal or notebook for your Little; have your Little write down their thoughts and feelings during the week and then discuss them together when you see each other
- Write stories together
- Share your own life experiences.
- Visit a college.
- Attend your Littles school activities or organized sports.
- Take an aerobics class together.
- Work on car repairs.
- Work on a resume.
- Shoot some hoops.
- Write a letter to the editor, the President or Governor.
- Play some board games.
- Visit a restaurant that neither of you have ever been to.
- Talk about both of your family's history. Maybe share some pictures of both your family members.
- Start a scrapbook.
- Build a model plane, car, or rocket.
- Have a book club for two.
- Shop for, prepare, and eat a meal together.